Saturday, September 27, 2008
I AM SO MUTHERFUCKIN STRESSED.
im not sleeping again tonight. apart from, like, an hour or so. fuck that case study. fuck sleepless nights. fuck new laptops that always get me into trouble. fuck deadlines. fuck stress! i now have this super ugly maroon circle bruise-looking mark on my back cause of the ventosa shit we did at school. ventosa is a form of therapy, in case no one knows. it uses a glass, a burning cone of tissue, and your back being "suctioned" to insanity. the mark looks like i got it from hazing though. it looks awful and dark and BIG. as big as the rim of the glass that sucked my back out. fuck. no tank tops for today. or tomorrow. or until the stupid mark disappears. fuuuuck. okay i said fuck 7 times. wuhoo.
OHH MAAAN. NEWSFLASH.
BANG BANG BANG. ALL OVER ME. GO FIGURE.
i should really stop taking advantage of people.
♥ ♥
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I HAVE A NEW BOOK. I BOUGHT IT.
and yeah it's highly unusual for me to do that since i only read books that are borrowed. mainly cause they're free. and i like anything that's free. so buying that book was someting i wouldn't normally do. oh unless it's a gossip girl novel, since i collect gossip girl novels. but i really wouldn't consider that a book. this book i bought is about a witch, and feeling, and believing, and being in tune with the elements (sabaw moment there), and the nature of simply being, or existing. im halfway through the book (i'm quite the slow reader now since we have a lot of stuff to do at school. fucker case study.), and so far i've learned the following things from reading athena's story:
1.) everything is simply a matter of believing
2.) one must admit ignorance, and let fate take over in times of doubt and confusion. in other words, ask if you don't know, and leave everything else to gravity
3.) a void never really existed. a heart has been full from the very beginning, filled by people who've been witnesses to who you are from the day you were born. the people who enter and exit your life at certain times simply come in passing. they don't take anything away from you, they only make your already filled heart overflow.
4.) everything is simply a matter of believing
believe brugada, BELIEEEEEVE!
♥ ♥
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I HAVE A FAN!
my friend/classmate/fellow gay/fellow tootsie roll. i think you're the only person who reads this shit. so thanks for the support! wuhoo i have a supporter! kahit isa lang yan pwede na. haha. at least gets mo mga kwento ko. you even think it's funny. so yey mee!
MY BLOG HAS NO ARCHIVE LINKS.
am i the only one who has noticed this? hmm probably, since no one else reads this blog apart from me and my gay friend. this probably means that my blog is INCAPACITATED. imbecile. handicapped. archive-less. 6 months' worth of blog entries cannot and will not be exposed for the public's reading delight, much to no one's dismay.
I WAS WRONG.
our research wasn't making any progress. to be honest, it is currently a disaster. okay maybe i'm overreacting, but my being petiks and simply leaving all the work to my group without me overseeing the whole process has left the output to be.. a bit, no, a heck of a mess. a few weeks ago i felt that this was cake, easy-peasy cake, just like highschool. but now i can't say the same. our case study topic now is way, way, WAY complicated that the related lit aren't necessarily related and the original title of our study has nothing to do with the present concept of our research. we are, no, i am super dooper cramming (we have until saturday morning to pass this), i have a lot of parts to revise, and deep inside i'm tearing my hair out cause i feel that i won't have enough time to pass a decent enough case study. like this was just MY case study. why am i the only one panicking?? why am i the only one worrying? am i a friggin one-girl group??? HOOMAYGAWSHMUTHERFUCKER. this is so unfair. i'm about to lose it.
hmm well at least i'm busy for the whole night. :D
HOOMAYGAYSH.
tomorrow scares me. nuff said. TOMORROW.
♥ ♥
Monday, September 22, 2008
PREOCCUPATION IS THE NAME OF THE GAME
today i: got up, got to school, aced that mutherfucker english test, worked on our group's case study (which i'm proud to say is making a lot of progress), got home, did the laundry, had lunch, read the book i bought, then intended to study for ana but instead fell asleep, all while being very careful not to fall into another one of my dazed-and-depressed spells. i'm kind of getting used to the fact that this will be routine, i'll probably be doing this for the rest of the week, semester, year, whatever. maybe i need to get myself into a routine, a mind-numbing routine that would not require me to think or feel anything, just continue on doing what i've programmed myself to do. i realized that i just have to exert myself to be extremely busy so i'd be able to mask whatever the fuck it is i'm feeling, then it probably would hurt less. unfortunately, i still got, um, distracted, to put it in words. (don't think alessi, don't think at all. just keep working) maan i'm pathetic. i hate it. now i shall resume, um, being busy.
♥ ♥
Monday, September 15, 2008
HELP! I THINK IM HAVING A HEART BURN.
ouch. seriously man no joke. i feel this pain across my chest, like its contracting while acid is passing through it. ouuuch. i haven't had dinner yet. yey me! but my chest hurt like whack. and it's 2am and im still not done with chapter 3! boo with leadership, i'd rather be a member only. haha.
♥ ♥
about highschool.
the realization i have has been further verified. i hated highschool. i hold no treasured highschool memories, no groundbreaking achievements, kept no classified deathly secrets, hardly socialized, and hardly had fun. i felt like an outsider during those days. it was a certain phase where i had ample time to talk to myself, probably cause i was almost alone most of the time, and i had quiet people for company whom i hardly had anything in common with. yeah you can say i was quite the loser. fuck it, but yeah. i dont know what sort of relevance these self talk moments have to do with me now, but im pretty sure that im not at all grateful for them. i remember myself being so self-conscious during the whole 4 years i've spent in that disintegrating excuse for a school. i wanted to make friends, but i didnt know how. and i didnt feel that they wanted to be friends with me either. highschool is cruel. the cliques, the stereotypes, the bitches, they never do any good to your self-esteem. and like any other vulnerable kiddish 13 year-old, i fell prey. i lost my sense of confidence, i felt like i had to conform to their standards, and most of all, i felt that i didnt belong. okay so maybe im overreacting, but things were different back then. i remember being really upset every day for a long time cause i dont have a permanent group to hang out with. i knooow totally loser right, but i was weak. sucks for me. it was probably the timing, or the choices i made, or the things i carefully selected to say. whatever the reason, my highscool days sucked. and im glad im never coming back there ever again.
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